Campus CrossWalk Magazine: 2006-07 Winter Issue -- Addicted to Ourselves

I am an admitted junkie and I need help. I am trying to go cold turkey on the one addiction that has beat me time and time again. I am addicted to, well, myself.

Call me vain, narcissistic, egotistical and selfish. I admit to all these labels. Kicking an addiction means you must first admit to it, right? So, here goes: Hi, my name is Mark, and I’m a self-centered, self-absorbed, egotistical, maniacal self-junkie.

I don't mean to come off as over-dramatic, but consider the following: Over the last seven or eight years, I have broken numerous bad habits or addictions: cigarettes, alcohol, smokeless tobacco, prescribed anti-depressants, food (yes, you can be addicted to excessive eating), CDs (I bought 2 or 3 a week) and books (many of which I never read).

I am not proud of my track record, but I am proud of the fact that I did break these bad habits, with God’s help. But why did I become subservient to any of them? What mind-set turned those casual enjoyments or relief-measures into full-blown destructive habits?

In trying to answer this question, I came to a startling conclusion: All my past addictive behaviors resulted from my ultimate addiction to myself. My top priority had become my wants and desires. I avoided pain, depression, and boredom at all costs, looking out for constant entertainment and satisfaction. I was coddling (and slowly destroying) number one.

: 1. I didn’t smoke too much because I liked the stale smoke-smell on my clothes. I did it because of the ‘head rush’ it gave me, especially when I was stressed out.; 2. I didn’t drink too much because I was a connoisseur. I did so because I wanted to ‘escape’ the hardships or pain of day-to-day reality.; 3. I didn’t ‘dip’ because I had a keen affection for the taste of tobacco juice. I did so because I missed the ‘head rush’ that smoking used to give me, and frankly, I was bored spending so much time driving to and from work and/or school.; 4. I didn’t over-eat because I was an aspiring chef. I over-ate because it actually provided comfort in a odd way.; 5. Even though I never misused the prescribed anti-depressants I once took (there were so many at one time, overindulging would have been hard), I did grow to believe that I literally could not get through the day without them. I would panic and ‘get the shakes’ if I forgot to take them.; 6. And I didn’t buy so many CDs because I was a working DJ. I bought them because a continual flux of new music was soothing and gave me an escape from having to concentrate.

Every one of my addictive behaviors sprang from my prime addiction to my own self. When your primary concern in life is your own appeasement, entertainment, and happiness, I believe you are a bona-fide self-addict, my friend. You are suffering from the same addiction that I am currently trying to break once and for all.

It is natural to avoid pain and normal to want to feel good. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to have a little fun and entertainment. No one wants to be bored (I admittedly am afraid of becoming bored, and this fear of boredom scares me). Everyone wants to escape from the daily ‘grind’ from time to time.

In moments of stress, when work or school gets chaotic, or when our relationships seem heavy, we feel we owe it to ourselves take a break from reality, to unwind, to kick back, to get a little dirty, or to voraciously turn on, tune in, and drop out. Perhaps one reason we get so hung up in addictive behavior is that we are looking to coddle ourselves with some sort of elusive peace or high that will make us feel immediately better. We can worry about the consequences or the hangover tomorrow.

Perhaps we become self-addicts because we are looking for peace; A peace that is impenetrable to stress, worry, pain, and heartache. Searching for peace, we find solace in immediate fixes. We feel so supposedly alive after the ‘first hit,’ the ‘second toke,’ the ‘third shot,’ etc. Yet once the high wears off, our “self” goes unfulfilled, and with even less peace than before because we realize our jaunt did not free us from the worries and struggles of life after all.

I propose that the key to overcoming a “self-addiction” is to find the actual source of peace. When I am feeling true peace, I have no burning desire to entertain myself. When I am enveloped by peace, I am not bored, even when doing nothing. Peace allows me to not want to ‘check out’ when I am experiencing various pains or hassles. I believe that peace is what we need to cure the addiction to the almighty self: Without it, your life will be a series of destructive addictions, one always taking the place of another until this peace is found.

So where is this elusive peace? How do we get it? I honestly don’t know—I wish I could unlock the mystery for you this instant. But I can’t, I haven’t experienced it quite enough to say I am no longer a “self-addict.” What I can tell you is that I know it resides in Christ, and in Him only. Paul described God’s peace as “passing all understanding,” which I think is a poetic way of saying “I can’t explain it, but I know what it feels like.”

Jesus promised, “Peace I leave with you: my peace I give to you.” (John 14:27). It’s there for the taking, my friends. Seek it. Long for it. Pray for it. At first, you may just see glimpses of it, but gradually those glimpses can become wide angle shots. We must pursue this true peace in order to stop pursuing the ego that can be so addictive.

And the moment we start searching for that peace, the day we actually try to think with the mind of Christ instead of the mind of (your name here), I believe we will begin to break that nasty self-addiction. It’s all about peace, my friend!

Mark Wylie currently serves as the Young Adult Minister for the University Church of Christ in Denver, CO. He and his wife Susan have been married for nearly eight years, and they have a 17 month old son, Andrew. Mark has also started the “Pioneers For Christ” Open Bible Studies on the University of Denver Campus, a weekly walk-in bible-based discussion group in which all DU students are welcome.