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A new kind of marriage? What was wrong with the old kind of marriage? In fact, isn’t the old kind of marriage the kind that we want?
Recent history of marriage is a curious study. You might have thought change in marriage is a new thing. Well, check this out. At the turn of the century (that is early 1900’s), marriage was largely a function of survival. People married largely to survive. Divorce was rare because divorce would have made destitution a near certitude. Divorce made no sense because of the reasons people got married. Marriage was for survival, not companionship, and certainly not satisfaction.
Fast forward to the 1950’s. When the second world war ended, marriage changed. Rather than for sheer survival, people married for companionship. Women learned to work outside the home or farm while men were away fighting the war. Though many of them went back home after the war, they learned that they were a marketable force. Then someone invented the suburbs and people filled them in droves. June and Ward Clever enjoyed a predictable life with clear marital roles.
Fast forward to today. In the past few decades, marriage has evolved still further. Marriage is no longer about survival or even companionship, but rather it has become about personal satisfaction.
Uh-oh! Marriage did pretty well when it was necessary for survival. It did all right when companionship was needed. But when the motives to marry mutated into personal satisfaction, marriage was in trouble. When financial and companionship needs can be met largely outside the context of marriage, then why get married? The natural answer for many was for satisfaction.
So, what’s wrong with this picture? If basic needs like food and security do not have to come from marriage and the need for personal connection does not have to come from marriage, why not get married in order to get happy?
The answer is this: Happiness cannot be extracted from one person and consumed by another. When a person gets married to get happy, that person makes his or her spouse responsible for his or her personal satisfaction. If a person gets married to be happy, but is unhappy, then whose fault is it? Of course, the spouse is the problem.
So, what is the answer? You guessed it, a spousectomy. If the reason to get married is to get happy, then divorce is the only logical response to dissatisfaction. And the strange thing is that most people go further with the spousectomy and have a full spousal transplant… unfortunately retaining the same impossible requirement of the new marriage – permanent happiness.
If this all sounds like bad news, it is. But there is reason to hope for the marriage of the future. A new kind of marriage is emerging. There are signs on the horizon that marriage is on the rebound. I know a lot of people want to go back to the old ways of marriage, but those ways have proven themselves failures.
A new kind of marriage is one in which two people come together to bless each other, not to be blessed; to serve and not to be served. A new kind of marriage is one embedded within a community that supports their marital bond, celebrates it, and challenges it to become better. A new kind of marriage has a dynamic mission rather than a mere existence. A new kind of marriage militantly defends itself against anything and everything that would threaten it, including TV, unsupportive friendships, unsupportive family members, greed, lust, envy, pride, etc. People in this new kind of marriage say, “I am married because I want to be married.” A new kind of marriage anticipates the next stage of life (having children, raising teens, empty-nest) and takes steps to prepare for these stages.
You’ve just seen the tip of the iceberg. Marriage is here to stay and I believe that the marriage of the future will be better than anything we have ever seen. The current state of marriage is merely a purging of the impurities that have stained for so long.
Chris Gonzalez is a marriage and family therapist and freelance writer living in Jonesboro, Arkansas. He is married, with two children and has a masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and a bachelors degree in English Education and relentless thirst to learn more. Also, look for his previous articles in our archives.
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