| |
Need some summer beach-reading on love, romance and relationships? Have I got the book for you! For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men is not just your typical vacation read. Instead of the dashing young Adonis falling head over heels for the voluptuous vixen, you will find helpful information about real men and real relationships that might apply to your own relationship.
This book reads like a real conversation over coffee between women: real women of faith who love deep thinking men of God. It reaches beyond the common idealized misconceptions of romance.
Shaunti Feldhahn did not start out to write a book about men’s deepest thoughts. She was writing her second novel when she began doing research on how to better portray one of the main characters; a devoted, godly husband and father. She interviewed a few men, such as her husband and other male friends. The information she found came as such a revelation that she felt she had to share it with the rest of the female population.
Mrs. Feldhahn had years of experience as an analyst on Wall Street and Capitol Hill to help her as she developed surveys and conducted interviews with more than one thousand men, including “CEOs, attorneys, pastors, technology geeks, business managers, the security guard at Costco, and the guys behind the counter at Starbucks.” She even interviewed “a professional opera singer and a former NFL offensive tackle.” What she learned, she put in her book so that every woman would have access to these things that most husbands wish their wives knew but usually can’t figure out how to explain.
This book covers seven revelations found through the surveys she conducted, including specific quotes from the men interviewed. The survey included men from all across the country ranging in age from twenty-one to seventy-five, with an additional special survey for church-going men. Mrs. Feldhahn sets a few ground rules at the beginning and encourages us women to have an open, loving heart while reading the book. She asks us to support our men rather than “bash” them.
With nearly 18 years of marriage under my own belt, I am still having trouble with Ephesians 5:33. As it turns out, I am not the only one! God commands a wife to respect her husband. Isn’t it interesting that women have to be commanded to respect? What does this say about our nature? As it turns out in the survey, respect is something that men desperately need from their wives in order for everything else to work. Respect at home can strengthen every area of a man’s life in ways going beyond the relationship and into his own personal feelings of adequacy. Reading this made me very aware of how often I hear girls and young women using put-downs and joking criticism. We need to teach our daughters to be encouragers and give them positive words to use that will build good skills for marriage and life-long relationships. Isn’t this also the best way for any Christian to treat others? We also need to foster confidence and good self-esteem in our sons so they won’t be so hampered by feelings of inadequacy later in life. We need to make sure they know Christ loves them for who they are.
Not surprisingly there is one whole chapter in this short book devoted to sex. Chapter 5 speaks frankly about the critical importance of sex within the marriage relationship and inadvertently underlines how damaging casual sex truly is, especially to men. It is in the sexual relationship that a husband feels completely vulnerable, totally accepted and non-judged with his wife. Multiple casual sexual encounters teaches men and women to close off this vulnerability so that when they do need to reach deep into their hearts to find connections with their soul mates, they no longer know how. (See the CCW editor's article on Real World Sex in this issue for related thoughts)
A husband desperately needs his wife to desire him and him only and him always. Yes, there is a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone that needs you to respond in kind. Having compassion for your husband’s heart and understanding the emotional power of God’s intimate gift in building up your husband and your relationship is important for a loving wife.
Chapter 6 is eye-opening for young women everywhere. The author calls ALL women to “champion modesty in yourself and others.” She says, “Women who are totally clueless about [how visual men are and what a problem women cause] can also thoughtlessly contribute to it.” Men find it hard to believe just how clueless some women can be. The author was talking to a father once who asked her why his college-age daughter, who was normally a cautious dresser, would wear a tight little top and skirt around a particular guy she found attractive. “Surely” the father said, “she knows what she is doing!”
“Yes,” agreed the author “she knows she looks good. But she doesn’t realize what is actually going on in that guy’s head. What she’s smugly thinking is ‘He thinks I’m cute.’”
“Cute has nothing to do with it!” the shocked father replied. “He’s picturing her naked!”
Even when no woman is around, each man has a “mental Rolodex” of stored images that can intrude into his thoughts without warning or can be called up at will. What a huge responsibility this places on the shoulders of women. Women want love and attention from a man but don’t realize the attention that suggestive dress gets has nothing to do with love. How would you feel as a Christian woman realizing that your image was just added to the mental clutter in a devoted married man’s mind tempting him to dishonor his wife?
The survey did, thankfully, state that many men realize they can make a choice to dwell on the images and thoughts or to dismiss them. This choice is the critical distinction between temptation and sin. Men have an obligation to steer clear of pornography so that their “mental Rolodex” can’t be such a powerful tool for Satan. Even Job said “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look with lust upon a young woman.” (Job 31:1) Men whom you love, be it husband, father, boyfriend, brother or good friend, need your steadfast prayers and thoughtful actions to remain pure.
Other chapters cover romance (yes, men do want it and they don’t always know how to find it and need our encouragement, not our complaints), taking care of yourself and things husbands wish their wives knew.
This book has less than 200 pages but you could take the rest of your life thinking about what it says. I hope that For Women Only becomes the most-received gift at wedding showers this year. It is the perfect book to give to any woman in a serious relationship. It would also make a great book for a book club to read together and discuss in depth. Most of all, it is a book that a woman can read and share with her husband so they can open up lines of communication in key areas of their relationship and hopefully develop greater respect for each other and strengthen their marriage.
Lee Burdett is an alumnus of the Auburn Christian Student Center’s campus ministry (Auburn University), and the Meridian Woods church of Christ campus ministry (Florida State University) where she met her husband. They helped to establish a campus minister in Gainesville, FL with University City church of Christ. She lives (surviving hurricanes) in Altamonte Springs, FL, and enjoys her two children.
|
|
