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When people hear the words “emotional abuse,” they usually think of their own emotions being abused. Demeaning words, threats, intimidation, oppression, extreme control: emotional abuse has many forms. Abusing someone’s emotions is wrong and dreadful. People who receive this kind of treatment are victimized.
But that is not the kind of emotional abuse I am talking about. What I am talking about is the other end of the spectrum. I am talking about people who think that when their feelings get hurt in any way, shape, or form, they have a blank check to do whatever they want to. I am talking about people who justify revenge based on their feelings. I mean people who justify manipulation because they did not get their way; people who have a
vested interest in being injured because of the luxuries it affords them.
“He’s always getting on my nerves.”
I hear this one a lot. The pain created in a situation that elicits this response is real pain. But, is all real pain justified? Here is what I mean: I have noticed that people whose nerves are getting stepped on all the time have placed their nerves everywhere. They have their nerves spread out so far in every direction that you cannot get close to that person without stepping on a nerve or two.
In short, they set themselves up to receive injury by every person who loves them enough to get close to them. And when the inevitable injury occurs, they put their blame machine into motion. “You hurt me,” or “you don’t love me,” almost always follows. When the person who accidentally hurt the now injured party realizes “what he or she did,” they try to make it up, heal the wound, or patch things over. Gulp! There you go. Hook-line-sinker. The seduction worked. The problem now is that as long as the injured party remains injured, all efforts to make things right keep right on coming, but are never enough. Control has been successfully procured.
When this is the case, the injured party receives extra benefits from the relationship while they are injured. So, what incentive does that person have to heal when he or she receives so many benefits for being injured? If that person got better, they would lose their control. So for them, it is better to find a way to remain injured than it is to be healed.
This is emotional abuse – using emotions to control another person. The best showcase of this brand of emotional abuse occurs on the morning talk shows and evening reality shows. These shows are based on blame, accusation, and scandal. Blame and victimology has become an extremely popular spectator sport. Granted, these shows are far-fetched caricatures of real life, but at the same time they provide excellent lesson plans for would-be victims. They teach people strategic ways to get their nerves out where the people are walking. Can you say, “Omarosa?”
In America, there is now a cultural system whereby emotional damage, no matter how it occurred, entitles people to all kinds of rights. If something bad happened to you, then you must be a victim and therefore must subscribe to the victim’s creed, “Do unto others as badly as has been done to me . . . as often as you can.”
The bad news is this: revenge, and that is exactly what it is, has no soothing of its hunger, no quenching of its thirst, and no end to its destruction. I have never met a person who felt he or she has ever had enough revenge.
I know that most people have not gone out looking to get their feelings steam-rolled. The pain from things like sexual abuse is real pain and it is not the victimized person’s fault. The injury from traumatic events is a real injury. In fact, all hurt is real hurt. There is no question about that.
The question is this: what are you going to do with it? Will you settle for being a victim and use the pain to harm others and further harm yourself or will you take leap of faith and use the pain to better the lives of others and yourself? The answer to this question is a matter of free will, not historical events. Victims say, “I have pain and if it soothes my pain to create pain in others, so be it.” Survivors say, “I have pain that I hope no one else ever has to face. God gave me a free will, even when I am hurt, victimized, and damaged. People can take away my comfort, but not my free will or my faith.”
Chris Gonzalez is a marriage and family therapist and freelance writer living in Jonesboro, Arkansas. He is married with two children. He has a masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and a bachelors degree in English Education and a relentless
thirst to learn more.
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